Wednesday, August 21, 2013

3 in his lap, 2 in mine

Before having Kensley, I came along this quote that resignated with me about miscarriages/baby loss.
"Dear Lord, I would have loved to have held my babies on my lap and tell them about you, but since I didn't get the chance, would you please hold them on your lap and tell them about me?"

If you would have asked me about having another baby 6 months ago, I would have told you how much I longed for a baby boy, & I would LOVE to have another 1, heck 2 or 3. But physically it wasn't possible. I wold have told you the sadness that, that brought to me.

About 3 months ago, I felt very funny, feeling kinda ya know..like...pregnant. & thought "holy crap am I pregnant". Long story short, everything turned into what we found out was a cyst that ruptured on my ovary.

Thru that experience, the thought of being pregnant & was not, I found myself at peace with my inability to have more children. Which is saying alot for me. I was thrilled with having my two girls & just them. We are in this groove. We have our schedule. They are to ages, that im only pulling out my hair half the time as I was before.Which in turn had & made my marriage the best that it had ever been. I would look at my family, & feel whole. Something I didn't think would come to me. After I had Kensley I had this space in my heart, that I thought would only be filled by another child. Whichever way that would happen. But that wasn't there anymore.

Im trying to find the words to begin all this. This past month have shook my world. 

While down for Brandons family reuinon, I felt sick. & I remember saying to Brandon just what I had thought 3 months ago ya know the "holy crap am I pregnant". I mean there was ONE time this could have happened. We were months & months on ferility drugs & couldn't get pregnant, months & months without anything & couldn't pregnant, ONE time we weren't going to get pregnant. I mean, what were the chances.

I felt so irresponsible for there even being a chance, even the smallest chance I could be pregnant. This could be major health threatening for me. I have 2 small children to take care of, & how could I have put that aside.

But on the way home I knew it, I could feel it. I was pregnant
We got home & I took a test. I knew it would probably be if anything a very faint line, I hadn't even missed AF yet. But bold as bold can be, dark as that little pink line could turn, it turned. 

Positive, the test was positive, I WAS pregnant. 


My first thought? WTF? HOW does that happen? ok we know how it happens but really how?!

My second? sadness. I weeped in my husbands arms, hard. Gosh, as embarrassed as I was of my feelings it was even worse typing that out.

I had never felt this way before, that feeling. Sure, with past tests there was fear; but followed by so much gut wrenching happiness I could hardly contain myself. But this test? I didn't feel that.

2 days later, I was laid up on the couch. Sick as a dog. Why was I SO sick & like this SO early?! I was weak, I couldn't stand. I barely could walk to the bathroom. I was sad, & mostly I was scared. The words kept playing in my head from my appt when I was pregnant with Kensley from my OB..."you can't do this again tara. your body can't take it..you could die." I watched my kids play around me, them begging me to go outside & to play, watching my house a filthy mess & all I could do was lay & go get IV treatments. 

I was mad at myself, mad at my body.

2 weeks past, & the "holy crap your pregnant" set in. My sadness had subsided. My sickness didn't. 
I was happy, not ecstatic but I was getting there. We talked about names, girls names of course. I knew the baby was another. We racked our brains, books & the web for another "K" name with no avail.
We got family pictures for 2 reasons. For later down the line, using the photo for the announcement. & 2 God forbid, something happen to me.
I am so grateful for them, now.

I remember calling my OB & him not believing me. "it was a false positive, there's no way". But oh there was a way. & he was wrong. He braced me with the what ifs. What could happen to me, what could happen to the baby, what could happen to the baby if something did happen to me. Earlier delivery. Repercussions of the meds I would be on again. It was so overwhelming. My head was spinning.

But then it was time for the ultrasound, I knew all would be forgotten. I knew there was most likely not going to be heart beat quite yet as it was still early, but we would be able to see the fetal pole. & with a turn of the screen I knew something was wrong. No pole, measurements insanely behind. Later finding out this is why I was SO sick, SO early.

We waited the weekend, went in for another ultrasound. Still nothing. He gave us options. I choose to see if I could naturally miscarry. I choose this because when I had previously with my first pregnancy had a D&C I kinda went crazy. & had a hard time vs with my 2nd and had naturally. I couldn't go thru that  again with 2 children. We were gonna wait til the end of week but with the progression of my decreasing health, D&C was the answer. 

I've never dealt with so many emotions in my life. I felt such saddness. I dealt with guilt. I felt such disappointment in myself for the way I first reacted. I felt relief from not being deathly ill anymore, & inturn feeling more guilt for feeling that way. I remember cursing my body, & yelling so many times that, that baby didn't choose my piece of crap body be in. 
It wasn't fair.
It isn't fair.

Im trying not to make this a novel.
I haven't turned on my phone for a month.
Haven't been on facebook for even longer.
I didn't want to face the music. Tell people. Explain. 
But I need to tell this story, for me. 
& this is the one place I could do that.

12 comments:

  1. I am so happy that you found my blog and I in turn found yours!

    I am so so sorry to read this post. I must tell you that while i havent miscarried I can relate to so many of your feelings of hating my body. After 5 IVFs I just think my body hates me back and I have no faith anymore.

    I wish that I could give you a huge hug because it just breaks my heart to think of what you are going through.

    HUGE HUGS. Cant wait to follow you and your beautiful family.

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  2. oh Tara! My heart breaks for you. I went through similar feelings with my last pregnancy. Matthew is now almost 9mo, but was 7 at the time. BFP, to my shock. Hadn't even had my first af pp. I was less than thrilled. THEN got diagnosed as ectopic. And I felt disgusted with not feeling excitement from the get go. Sending you lots of love and prayer.

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  3. Thinking of you, Tara. Huge hug, beautifully written and I've sure missed you on IG. Take care, friend.

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  4. Thoughts, hugs, love, and prayers for you and your family Tara, you're hands down one of these strongest women I know.

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  5. So sorry Tara that you are going through this. Thoughts, prayers and hugs being sent your way.

    I also have 3 in His lap and 1 in mine :(

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  6. I'm so sorry Tara sending you lots of love & prayers!!! I've missed your post/comments/photos. Was so worried about you. I am here for you if you need anything or just need a person to talk to.
    Kathy aka Riley's closet kathy hoy

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  7. I'm so sorry to hear this Tara! You are such a strong mama! I know we aren't close but if you ever need anything let me know! I babysit out of my home Monday-Friday so I'm always home (even if you just need a last min babysitter) and I think I only live a road or 2 away from you (Iwo)! It just breaks my heart to hear this! You will be in my thoughts and prayers!

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  8. Hugs lady. Hang in there. Prayers xoxo

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  9. Hugs lady. Hang in there. Prayers xoxo

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  10. Tara, I'm so sad for you. I'm so sorry this happened to you. Hang in there! You are a good Mom to your two beautiful daughters!!!!
    Love ya!
    A. Judy

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  11. Tara I am so sorry. I have been thinking about you so much, I just had a feeling something wasn't right. I text you but that explains why you didn't reply. You have such gorgeous girls and I can tell what an amazing mother you are. I hope things get easier from here on out. Hugs!!

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  12. Tara I am so sorry. I have been thinking about you so much, I just had a feeling something wasn't right. I text you but that explains why you didn't reply. You have such gorgeous girls and I can tell what an amazing mother you are. I hope things get easier from here on out. Hugs!!

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shucks, thanks the comment!
i looove hearing from you!
-tara :)

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