Thursday, October 23, 2014

things I love about fall

I really love every season, I think summer I get sick of relatively quickly. I get over the heat mostly.
Christmas is really my favorite, but fall takes a very close 2nd!

Here is why:

1. Scents
Mostly fall scented candles! Pumpkin spice, spiced smelling anything pretty much everything in the candle isle with an apple, pumpkin or leaves on it I love & have 10 of.

2. Wardrobe
The leggings, the hoodies, uggs {yes i love them, judge me}, jeans, scarves. I love it all! 

3. Family Fun
I LOVE all the activities there is to do with my family during this season. Pumpkins & mazes & hayrides! I feel like there isn't enough weekends to get all that we want to do! Locally we have fairs & festivals not to mention apple picking & pumpkin patches! It just a season of making great memories, there is always a reason for family to get together!

4. Cozy
The coziness of the season. We always have a couple good heavy quilts ready in the living room with a fire going. We are HUGE fireplace people. We have a wood burning fireplace & generally have one going every day thru fall & winter! 

5. Drinks
I only drink iced coffee in the spring/summer. But just as soon as there is slight chill in the morning I bring back out my coffee pot. Having a mug every morning waiting for the girls to wake up is just the best. Apple cider that has been simmered in mulling spices is also a huge favorite in the house, besides with Brandon. & it makes the house smell great!

Apple pies, pumpkin pie, pumpkin roll, apple crisp! YUM!

7. Its almost Christmas
have you seen this meme? I am the Will Ferrell! Whenever walmart {pretty much the only store near me} put out decoration in the back we have to go back there, every.single.visit. We look at the little villages & listening to music. Look at all the ornaments & trees! I still wait til after Thanksgiving {the sunday after we get our tree} but just looking at it all gets me SO happy. Although I wait til after thanksgiving for decor, please know i've always have been listening to Christmas music for QUITE some time before then!

Do you love fall? Or what is your favorite season? What your favorite part?

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

A year later..

Times just keeps passing. 
Week after week & I keep thinking where did "such & such month go" & there we are in the next month!
I feel like I was doing a great job keeping up with writing! It felt so good & then, one day of not writing became a week & so on & so fourth.

Mostly, as fall approached. Without knowing dates I knew the year since we lost the baby was creeping up. For some reason, unlike the past losses due date was no big deal for me. I didn't flinch. In fact I didn't even notice til after the fact. But the actual happening of the loss was haunting me. I started almost physically feeling the weakness that I felt. & then the emotional pain came in.

The loss was enough to handle itself. But there was SO much more that went on. Between my marriage, friendships, myself.

I recently found a blog post I had typed out on phone from last year. I didn't know if I would ever post it; but putting my thoughts & words to "paper" is my thing. 

I wrote:

Those that did know, didn't call. And those that didn't know, didn't call when they found out. This experience was different from my losses previously. I've never felt so alone in my life. I have children now, crazy busy toddler children now. I am no longer the center of y husband attention. It felt so werid to pick up exactly where I left off without a week or two of crying, depressed in bed.

 I remember that Monday. It was one of the scariest days of my life, I felt this deep swirling pit of saddens that sucking me further an further down. I remember thinking, shouldn't this be easier the third time around? A silly thought now looking back, but I needed a thought to pull me out of this. To justify the thoughts that I was feeling were dramatic an I was hurting much more than what I needed to. After hours of crying holding my phone in my hand waiting for someone, anyone to call to check to see how the day had went. The phone didn't ring. so I called my best friend, my husband with me screaming crying that I needed him and on the other end I got the man that I married working, consumed with work. I don't know  what I expected to hear come from the other side of that phone, but what ever verbal medicine that my heart was aching for, to ease my pain was not being said.
And I was devastated. Me and this man had been thru a hell of a lot crap the last few years and I needed him damn it.
I realize now that god did that on purpose that day. Because I am a mother of two toddlers and I am not the center of my husbands world anymore because of that I don't have a week or two of crying in this life of mine. I need to go thru this myself.
Late that night my phone rang it was my friend Jess. We don't talk often, but when we do it seems like she is always picking me up off the floor, going me advice with this life of mine. She has no clue anything thy was going on with me. Didn't know I was pregnant nothing. She just knew I hadn't been online or answering my cell phone. Didn't say "you can adopt" "at least you have your girls" or judge me for my thought of being sad I was having another baby. She told me this sucks, that not now but soon everything will be ok, offered to come clean my kitchen and do my laundry, she would pray for me, and that she loved me. I will never, and haven't expressed to her what that call did to me. I was in a scary place, that I never seen before and she was liferaft I needed to pull me out of that place.

God knew I needed a little something, and Jess was that little something I needed. I had to pick myself up because all of that "crap" I've gone thru the last few year have me this family I have now. Yes I could have 5, children right now; but I have 2. TWO beautiful healthy daughters. And because of that "crap" I know that I am a better mom  and person because of it.
The point of this was tell you, is everyone grieves differently. I had to carry on and go to park and the library after I lost my baby; but I'm not missing my baby any less. My husband grieved in a way that I'm trying to figure out. Our marriage hit another huge, huge bump these past few months because if this. But..

& the typing ended. I found myself back into that pit of sadness. With the year approaching & some health problems I was having. I was back in that hole just sinking further & further. It was then I realized I hadn't forgave myself or my husband. I hadn't forgave myself for my feelings, my sadness. that depression. I hadn't forgiven my husband for how we coped differently. A month after we lost the baby we went to counselling & it helped so much to see his side, & like wise, mine. But I hadn't forgiven him. & most importantly I hadn't forgiven God. I've been so angry with him, so many why me's. & somehow after seeing myself back in that hole this past 8 weeks, & feeling like again I was alone; no one noticing. God showed me something. My husband. He may not have said the words I needed him to last year, but I know God gave him the words this time. He pulled me right out, & I saw him thru completely different eyes. That might sound so silly. But we were not the couple that got stronger with infertility & losing babies. It did very much the opposite
During this time, I got emails, texts & a run in with someone I barely knew all of which thanked me that I had posted about story, some had gone thru the same thing & some just made them more thankful for what they had.

I was going down that hole again but not this time. I was beginning to see why maybe we have gone thru this. 

We were strong. I am strong. I have now forgiven myself, my husband, & God,

& in all of it realizing God had forgiven me for ever doubting our marriage, me, my body or him!

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Movies to make you think of fall

If you are anything like me the first of September just means one thing.
Gimme all the pumpkin spice.
The candles, the warm drinks, the cider, apple pies, pumpkins, decor OH MY!
& one of my favorite ways to get in the "spirit" is watching movies, for any holiday/season
These are some of my favorite movies to curl up with a nice big quilt, & a warm cup of cider.
Of course its still 80 degrees outside, so I probably wont be drinking cider. But since the AC is on, the quilt will be enough!

1.Sweet Novemeber//2.Practical Magic//3.Good Will Hunting//4.You've GotMail//5.Step Mom//6.October Sky//7.When Harry Met Sally//8. Hocus Pocus

And because we can't forget the kiddos, my children also get the seasonal bug! These are their favorites as of last year, & they are still loving them this past week! Some can be a tid bit scary depending on your child, so watch with discretion if your child is easily scared! But they all are family friendly!
1.Casper//2.Halloweentown//3.Addams Family//4.Hocus Pocus//5.It's The Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown//6.The Night Before Christmas//7.Grinch Night//8.Bettlejuice//9.Icabod and Mr. Toad//10.Mickey's Treat//11.Berestain Bears Halloween Treats

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Reconstructing Amelia

Ive always been a big reader, but over the past couple years with being a momma to 2 young toddlers; you can imagine its been put on the back burner! Ive recently started reading alot again & boy did I miss it! I haven't been able to put them down! Ive been reading 400 page novels in 48 hours! Ah I love it. Anyway I want to keep track of what I read & tell you about them too!

The book today I got a lot of questions about I thought I would do first is Reconstructing Amelia by Kimberly McCreight!
Its a book with mystery, love, betrayal & alot of heart break!
Amelia's mom is a single mom that works alot. Amelia is a the run of the mill "good kid" so when Kate gets a call about Amelia getting expelled she is surprised! After a tragic accident, the book goes on about how well Kate actually knew her daughter and what she will do to find answers about what happened to her daughter. I tells several side stories as well with the classmates that bullied her, her best friend & her mother; among others. With a WHOLE lot of twist and turns that you aren't expecting..but were at same time...

This book was a complete page turner from the beginning. The dialogue is fast paced with a mixture of pages with just text messages or a Facebook status. It will keep you wondering what happened, and whats gonna happen next! I connected to being a mother, being a teen girl in a not so great friendship, figuring out who I was and being bullied! I highly recommend it!

I was going to post today that I got a new book to start & couldn't wait to read but I accidentally went and read it already! So I will post about it in a later post! Its called: The Husband's Secret! & I can't wait to tell you about it!

If you have read any of these, let me know what you thought too! Or if you end up reading them let me know!! I am always looking for new books, so what have you read lately?

Saturday, August 23, 2014

Chicago {lots of photos, like alot}

We took a couple-day-cation to Chicago for a last little getaway of the summer  before kennedy starts preschool!

Our first day, was the most perfect weather.
Fall like, with a bit of a chill. But still warm.
There was also very low clouds which, the girl thought was pretty cool!

As soon as we got checked-in our first stop, of course, was The American Girl Place!
Kennedy has the American Girl Bitty Twins & Kensley has the American Girl Bitty Baby! But now kennedy is asking for a "real big girl american doll, mom" for her birthday! So we might just make the trip in November for her birthday!

Our Girls of the year ;)

Then it was time for the hair salon!
While Kennedy's doll was getting her hair done, Kensley looked a little sad.
As I was explaining how her bitty didn't have any hair to do but the stylist asked her if she wanted her babies done, put her up in chair & just sprayed her head & wiped her down. Which, embarrassingly obviously needed to be done pretty badly because boy was she dirty! It made Kensleys day!

no love. haha kennedy trying to put her arm around Kensley.

Each girl got a outfit for their baby!

Outside the Lego store!

For Dinner we had Chicago style Pizza, YUM!

We did mostly walking our first day, we had more planned like seeing the bean ect. but decided to just head back to the hotel!
The girls were awful to get down, so we had to turn off everything in the hotel room for them to fall asleep. Once we thought we were ok to turn everything back on, we looked at their bed & saw this.
They are too perfect. I still can't believe they are mine.

Upon looking for breakfast places in the city, I found out about Yolk & couldn't wait to try it!
Boy were the reviews right! SO good! If you are every in Chicago or Indy you have to stop & eat!
I got french toast made of Banana Nut bread with Bananas & the girls got smores & oreo pancakes! Brandon was boring and doesn't like topping so he got boring pancakes with bacon & sausage!

Of course, since we don't have one near us; we went to the disney store!

Hi I am Olaf and I love warm hug! 

They had a "art of animation" drawing class! Kennedy wanted to join. They grew Mickey! She did it completely by herself & I was pretty impressed!

Final Product

She got a frame & lanyard!

The castle is their favorite!

Kensley Last year in the castle! She has grown so much!

Next up was the navy pier!

On the ferris wheel!

Lunch at Bubba Gump!

Trolley ride back to the hotel!
Kennedy said "its just like trolley off daniel tiger!"

Pictures on the side of Trump tower!
Our Hotel is right behind us in the background!

It was a great end of the summer getaway!
We can't wait to go back!


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