Tuesday, February 15, 2011

2 years ago.

2 years ago, yesterday Brandon & I went out to a really fancy dinner.
I couldn't finish what seemed like the best alfredo in whole world. I felt so so sick.
I came home & threw up for over 8 hours straight.
The next day, 2 years ago today; I found I was pregnant.

This is very hard for me to write, but I will be honest.
I was not happy.
I knew I wanted to be a mom my whole life but the timing seemed awful.
But then, I started to love my baby.

at 12 weeks 3 days I started to miscarry.
at 12 weeks 5 day I had an D&C

I  don't think I will ever forgive myself on this day.
I will always cry, & hate myself.
I know its not true, my mind & heart tell me since I wasn't happy I lost my baby.
This is the biggest burden on my heart, & 2 years later it is just as heavy, if not heavier.
I then spiraled out of control, I left Brandon 
well we were still living together, & I became a person I wasn't proud of.
I just thought I wasn't good enough of him, after all my unhappiness "killed" our baby. 
After a few weeks, I obviously realized the way I was acting wasn't going to change the past, & asked Brandon for forgiveness.
Then, after trying & trying for a baby; I thought God was punishing me, why would he give ME another baby?
There was so many people that would be happy about being pregnant. 

I will never get over my selfishness & un-happiness & weather or not that is the reason I lost my baby.
This all may seem silly to you, but tho two years ago today; my heart is aching.


5 comments:

  1. Aww hun! This makes me so sad for you! I don't believe God punishes people and you say above that "you started to love your baby." My mom struggled with infertility for years and had two miscarriages and even lost a baby at birth. She often questioned if it was punishment for something she had done and her doctor reminded her that "God is simply taking imperfect babies up to Heaven with him where they can live perfectly forever." And look at the cute bundle of joy you have now. She's perfect :)

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  2. i am sorry you feel this way.

    after all... if God was punishing you i dont think he would have sent you that beautiful little girl that you have now :)

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  3. **HUGS**

    I can't imagine how hard its been for you and Brandon. Try to keep your focus on the amazing life you have now.

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  4. This breaks my heart. you know.. you KNOW it's not your fault. some things just aren't meant to be. yes, it's a very sad and tragic thing to lose your child. but without that growing and learning experience, you wouldn't have the baby girl that you have now. the one that warms your broken heart.

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  5. can't imagine what you've been through...wish I could reach through the screen and give you a hug.

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shucks, thanks the comment!
i looove hearing from you!
-tara :)

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