Monday, October 12, 2015

Things no one tell you about not being able to have more children.


Not being able to have more children, after already having children puts us in such a weird club.

You already have children, & can't have more; & for  a lot of people that hard to understand. & the yearning to have more, doesn't make sense; I mean we already have a child{ren} right?
No one told me how hard it is to explain.

When you have a dream of your family & how many children you want; & have that decision of how choose to expand it taken away for you. It pretty devastating.

I often hear, at least you have your girls, & believe or not been told that my life is already crazy enough with two what would I do with three. Yeah, someone actually said that. Just because someone might already have children & maybe a hot mess with those children, does not make that longing for another child less hard. YES, I know I am so blessed to have them. But that does not take away my yearning for a bigger family go away. It insulting to our feelings when we are told that.

When that decision was taken from me, We lost what our family would looked like. I lost filling my dining room table every night for dinner, our view on Christmas morning changed, dreams that my husband and I had our lives were taken away.

Somehow being sad, in other people's eyes makes them think you are ungrateful for the children that you already have. & that just simply is not the case.

It seems so simple. "Just adopt".."Just be grateful".."God has reason for only giving you two"

We still get sad with pregnancy announcements, baby showers & isles. We are thrilled for our friends & families, but there will always be jealousy. It has NOTHING whatsoever to do with that person & has everything to do our own hurt. When you have children, going through that hurt you see in your children as well. They don't understand why they can't have another sibling. They don't understand that their friends mommies have babies & their bellies & their mommy can not.

 A good friend recently pointed out to me, that one of the biggest struggles I have is that I get more sad, for feeling sad. That in my mind, I am not aloud to feel that way. How could I? I have two children, when some can not have any at all. & yes that IS just the way it is. There IS nothing I can  do about it. But we ALLOWED to be sad & jealous. 

We realize people have it worst. But that is just not what you say to people going thru a tough time. It isn't like we, me more so, like being sad. I can't just stop wanting, when its all I've ever dreamed of. 
Regardless if you've ever had a child, when you're told you can't do something as natural as carrying a baby, it hits your most basic level. & no one should ever feel ashamed or apologize for that.

The whole point of this post, is have compassion. If you have a loved one struggling with not being able to expand their family, for any reason, there are so many; be kind. Love them. Make them feel validated in their feelings. Make them feel loved. Don't try to find a way to fix it. We aren't sad ALL the time. We don't focus our every moment on the things we can't have, but sometimes; the sadness creeps in. When you don't know what to say, hug them. Tell them how unfair it is, & how much it does suck. There are so many of us hurting afraid of what people will say about our feelings, fearing we may somehow hurt others with our own hurt or sound ungrateful, and could use your compassion when so many are making them feel lousy.

If you are going through this, I promise you It's okay to be sad. It's okay to be angry. It's okay to be jealous.
 I pray God covers with peace when understanding seems so cruel sometimes to understand. 

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-tara :)

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