Sunday, November 23, 2014

I wonder. A kind of letter to my biological father.

I recently found my ancient old Ipod.
So ancient there wasn't even a touch screen.
 Yeah that existed.
Anyway, I am looking thru the thousands & thousands of songs.
Music is/was my love language.
& while most of my music is just Doc Mcstuffins CDs & Mickey Mouse Clubhouse now.
 It used to help me through so much in my life.
If you were going through something, I had a song for it. & by the end of that song, it would make me/you feel better.


So tonight after date night tonight. Dang near midnight. I decided to go through my old playlists I found a old song I used to love/hate.
It was by Kelli Pickler & it's called "I wonder". The song is actually about her mother, but I related to it at the time, about my biological father.

Let me cut in here & say I have the most amazing father/dad/daddy.
We might not always see eye to eye & share genes but He has raised me & is the person I proudly call dad.
 The person I am about to talk about was not, has never ben my dad.
 He was simply a man that helped give me life, & haunts alot of my life to this day.
I don't for one minute wish I didn't have my dad, & had my biological father in my life today.



Ok so going back to this song. If you haven't heard it you can listen here.
Some snippits of the songs go kind of like this:

"Sometimes I think about you
Wonder if you're out there somewhere thinking 'bout me
And would you even recognize
The woman that your little girl has grown up to be

'Cause I look in the mirror and all I see
Are your brown eyes looking back at me
They're the only thing you ever gave to me at all"

 It goes on to say I wonder what you would say to me.

I dreamnt of that day alot.


 I had this distorted dream that this man would come me & apolgoize & thank my father for raising the person I am today. Tell me he was sorry the times he missed out on my life. For the things he had done. That he had made a huge mistake.

& I thought finally that day came a couple years ago.
The first time I had, had communication with him out side of letters I had received from while he was in prison at 7 years old.
I got a message on Facebook. & my heart sunk when I saw his name, the man that hurt me physically & emotionally had sent me a message. .


I thought this is it.

This was the message that would maybe give me closure?
& I wondered did I even need closure?
What did I need closure for?
My mind wouldn't stop.
 I finally clicked the message.
 & that message was anything but. It was a harassing message about wanting money.


I couldn't believe it.
Or really I could.
I cried & cried.
THIS was the man I knew.
This man in my dreams, never existed.
There NEVER was the man that cared about me, my life, the way I turned out.
THIS was him.

I never messaged him back, & now I can't since that man is now dead.

If I could message him back, I would tell him:
That yes, I wondered; just like that song said.
That there was times I wondered what it would be like to have him in my life.


But now, I don't know why I did at all.
Why I cared what this man thought about the life I now lead.
If he would he would be proud.
 When that man had never cared about my life in the first place.


 I wish I would have told him exactly what I felt about about him before he left this earth.
& what he did to me.


Because it was the best thing he had ever did for me.


 Because now, I can see he didn't ruin my life.

 I now know what a father is. I know from my own father & because of my husband.
 

So when I stood in that courtroom at his murder trial.
Up to testify.
Subpoenaed to not only bring up my old memories of my short time in his life, but to see my mother talk about this horrific time in her life.
Pregnant, with a very high risk pregnancy.
 I sat there still looking out into courtroom; begging for that family to see how I turned out.
Show them that I was given this amazing life.
LOOK AT ME. I wanted to scream.


But I was reciprocated with evil instead.
Again Hoping for that closure that I didn't even know I needed until that day, in that room.

& I didn't get it.
I didn't know what I wanted
. What I thought I needed from this man & his family.
 & what I thought I was missing after his death.
 Why I was mix with emotions about said death.
I just kept wondering, what I needed & why this was happening to me again.


But now, now on this fall night; I know what I needed.
Years later, I sit here in my living room.
With my amazing husband, that is a beyond amazing father.
 In my home, rebuilt by my father.
 The man that help make me to be the parent/person/woman I am.
& I am Listening to this song, crying as I did with my "brown eyes".
 & I realize.
 I never had to wonder.
 I do not need closure.
& really the only thing I am feeling is:
I am grateful.
 Because he was the way he was,  it gave me this beautiful,wonderful, amazing life I have now. & that I am sad for HIM & his family for that they missed out on, & continue to.
Not sorry for myself.
There is nothing left to wonder.


& now, now I know exactly how I feel, I feel exactly he felt for  me...
 & that's nothing.

& it feels so good to say that.
So so good to say that.


Me & My dad the person that deserves that title & I:



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-tara :)

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