Wednesday, October 22, 2014

A year later..

Times just keeps passing. 
Week after week & I keep thinking where did "such & such month go" & there we are in the next month!
I feel like I was doing a great job keeping up with writing! It felt so good & then, one day of not writing became a week & so on & so fourth.

Mostly, as fall approached. Without knowing dates I knew the year since we lost the baby was creeping up. For some reason, unlike the past losses due date was no big deal for me. I didn't flinch. In fact I didn't even notice til after the fact. But the actual happening of the loss was haunting me. I started almost physically feeling the weakness that I felt. & then the emotional pain came in.

The loss was enough to handle itself. But there was SO much more that went on. Between my marriage, friendships, myself.

I recently found a blog post I had typed out on phone from last year. I didn't know if I would ever post it; but putting my thoughts & words to "paper" is my thing. 

I wrote:


Those that did know, didn't call. And those that didn't know, didn't call when they found out. This experience was different from my losses previously. I've never felt so alone in my life. I have children now, crazy busy toddler children now. I am no longer the center of y husband attention. It felt so werid to pick up exactly where I left off without a week or two of crying, depressed in bed.

 I remember that Monday. It was one of the scariest days of my life, I felt this deep swirling pit of saddens that sucking me further an further down. I remember thinking, shouldn't this be easier the third time around? A silly thought now looking back, but I needed a thought to pull me out of this. To justify the thoughts that I was feeling were dramatic an I was hurting much more than what I needed to. After hours of crying holding my phone in my hand waiting for someone, anyone to call to check to see how the day had went. The phone didn't ring. so I called my best friend, my husband with me screaming crying that I needed him and on the other end I got the man that I married working, consumed with work. I don't know  what I expected to hear come from the other side of that phone, but what ever verbal medicine that my heart was aching for, to ease my pain was not being said.

And I was devastated. Me and this man had been thru a hell of a lot crap the last few years and I needed him damn it.
I realize now that god did that on purpose that day. Because I am a mother of two toddlers and I am not the center of my husbands world anymore because of that I don't have a week or two of crying in this life of mine. I need to go thru this myself.
Late that night my phone rang it was my friend Jess. We don't talk often, but when we do it seems like she is always picking me up off the floor, going me advice with this life of mine. She has no clue anything thy was going on with me. Didn't know I was pregnant nothing. She just knew I hadn't been online or answering my cell phone. Didn't say "you can adopt" "at least you have your girls" or judge me for my thought of being sad I was having another baby. She told me this sucks, that not now but soon everything will be ok, offered to come clean my kitchen and do my laundry, she would pray for me, and that she loved me. I will never, and haven't expressed to her what that call did to me. I was in a scary place, that I never seen before and she was liferaft I needed to pull me out of that place.

God knew I needed a little something, and Jess was that little something I needed. I had to pick myself up because all of that "crap" I've gone thru the last few year have me this family I have now. Yes I could have 5, children right now; but I have 2. TWO beautiful healthy daughters. And because of that "crap" I know that I am a better mom  and person because of it.
The point of this was tell you, is everyone grieves differently. I had to carry on and go to park and the library after I lost my baby; but I'm not missing my baby any less. My husband grieved in a way that I'm trying to figure out. Our marriage hit another huge, huge bump these past few months because if this. But..


& the typing ended. I found myself back into that pit of sadness. With the year approaching & some health problems I was having. I was back in that hole just sinking further & further. It was then I realized I hadn't forgave myself or my husband. I hadn't forgave myself for my feelings, my sadness. that depression. I hadn't forgiven my husband for how we coped differently. A month after we lost the baby we went to counselling & it helped so much to see his side, & like wise, mine. But I hadn't forgiven him. & most importantly I hadn't forgiven God. I've been so angry with him, so many why me's. & somehow after seeing myself back in that hole this past 8 weeks, & feeling like again I was alone; no one noticing. God showed me something. My husband. He may not have said the words I needed him to last year, but I know God gave him the words this time. He pulled me right out, & I saw him thru completely different eyes. That might sound so silly. But we were not the couple that got stronger with infertility & losing babies. It did very much the opposite
During this time, I got emails, texts & a run in with someone I barely knew all of which thanked me that I had posted about story, some had gone thru the same thing & some just made them more thankful for what they had.

I was going down that hole again but not this time. I was beginning to see why maybe we have gone thru this. 

We were strong. I am strong. I have now forgiven myself, my husband, & God,

& in all of it realizing God had forgiven me for ever doubting our marriage, me, my body or him!

2 comments:

  1. I don't imagine anyone would know the right thing to say to someone after a tragedy like this happens, unless they've been through something similar. I know I certainly don't.

    Just don't feel like you have to heal from this so quickly, it takes time. A year is not a long time. It's OK to cry and feel terrible. Hug your daughters close. Surround yourself with people who love you, even if they don't understand what you need to hear as well as your friend Jess does.

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  2. I have never dealt with loss and I couldn't imagine all you have gone through! I admire your strength and how you can post about it and what you've learned to help others and even yourself!

    I Know we've never hung out but if you ever need someone to vent to I'm almost always home and not far away :) And I have WINE haha! I'm happy to see you're doing better! Life can be rough at times but it's all in how you handle it as to how it's going to go! I need to remind myself of this often! I'm a worrier and over thinker! But here if you ever need someone!

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shucks, thanks the comment!
i looove hearing from you!
-tara :)

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