Monday, December 12, 2011

time


Oh my goodness, tomorrow is ultrasound day
its so bittersweet, with the bitter is being as sweet as ever.
I dont think the word for what I am feeling is struggling, more like scared? maybe intimidated
Let me explain.
Ive been wanting to do this post for awhile but didnt want to seem um.. awful!
This pregnancy is SO different!
first being I seriously forget how far along I am..& to me I want to punch myself in the face for; with kennedy i knew no joke almost down to the hour how far along I was ha! I sometimes "forget" I am pregnant, not when im half way thru a bottle wine type of forgetting; but sometime I will get envious of a pregnant person & be like oh wait I am pregnant, DUH.
I know alot of this is I am running around after a toddler, which people tell me daily. & I also know it is because we haven't officially announced, & honestly about 75% of the people we know do not know at all that Im pregnant. I also am coming into terms that maybe I am just scared, of the what if's, dont go all "Tara you need to stay positive nothing will happen" on me, I am not thinking of the worst but I also need to have in the back of my mind what COULD happen GOD FORBID, when 2 dr tell you, you have 80-85% of having a giving birth at 14-24 weeks or after still early, even tho we are going past each week praising God you dont take that lightly.
Am I cheating this baby?
Not being as in the moment with this pregnancy like with Kennedy?
My mind plays this guilt game every.single.day.

& then there is Kennedy, I am almost HALF way thru my pregnancy; this is crazy! It going by SO fast, & I feel like I need more time with just her. But then again baby #2 wont get that individual time?

Do you see? I see all these mommas saying I know I can love two babies the same, & I KNOW I can too; but to love another as much as Bug completely baffles me. & to me that sounds like the worst sentence any mother could ever say.

So tomorrow, this pregnancy become REAL, we will know WHO baby #2, boy or girl, what his/her name will be; & be able to tell Kennedy if she is having a brother or sister.

Am I the worst momma ever? How did you handle your second pregnancy?



Loving Two 


I walk along holding your 1-year-old hand, basking in the glow of our magical relationship. Suddenly I feel a kick from within, as if to remind me that our time alone is limited. And I wonder: how could I ever love another child as I love you? 

Then she is born, and I watch you. I watch the pain you feel at having to share me as youve never shared me before. 

I hear you telling me in your own way, Please love only me. And I hear myself telling you in mine, I cant, knowing, in fact, that I never can again. 

You cry. I cry with you. I almost see our new baby as an intruder on the precious relationship we once shared. A relationship we can never quite have again. 

But then, barely noticing, I find myself attached to that new being, and feeling almost guilty. Im afraid to let you see me enjoying her as though I am betraying you. 

But then I notice your resentment change, first to curiosity, then to protectiveness, finally to genuine affection. 

More days pass, and we are settling into a new routine. The memory of days with just the two of us is fading fast. 

But something else is replacing those wonderful times we shared, just we two. There are new times only now, we are three. I watch the love between you grow, the way you look at each other, touch each other. 

I watch how she adores you as I have for so long. I see how excited you are by each of her new accomplishments. And I begin to realize that I havent taken something from you, Ive given something to you. I notice that I am no longer afraid to share my love openly with both of you. I find that my love for each of you is as different as you are, but equally strong. And my question is finally answered, to my amazement. Yes, I can love another child as much as I love you only differently. 

And although I realize that you may have to share my time, I now know youll never share my love. There is enough of that for both of you .you each have your own supply. 

I love you-both. And I thank you both for blessing my life. 

7 comments:

  1. Seriously you are not a bad Mama for not knowing down to the second. You are taking care of K and that is perfectly ok. Toddlers are exhausting and like you said time with her is limited. My fear of splitting my love and time is part of the reason why we aren't having another baby. But then my sister comes home from college and I feel like I am cheating Rylin by NOT giving her a sibling. So its hard either way. I hated my sister as kids but I was her #1 protector too. I tell her all the time that she is the best thing my Mom ever gave to me! (tear) So really things will be just fine. With them being so close in age they will probably be best friends from the beginning. I can not wait to see if baby is a sweet boy or girl!

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  2. My pregnancy is so different this time, too! Last time I was so FOCUSED on it, now, I think about it several times a day but it's so different since I have a little wild man to chase around all day. It's going by so much faster than the last which makes me sad :(
    I worry about a lot of the same things you do. I'm always second guessing myself on whether we should have waited longer so that Elliot could have had more time as the "only" baby. But when it comes down to it, I remember that the reason we wanted them close together was for THEM, not for us. So they could grow up together. I never had anyone to play with when I was little, and always wished for a sibling. Elliot will always have someone else there! I think it will be great. Tough at first, but great.
    It IS completely amazing to think that I could love someone else as much as I love Elliot, though. But I know I can- and I know YOU can, too. You will. You probably already do and don't even realize it.
    PS: I can't WAITTTT to find out what you're having!!!!!

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  3. I felt ALL of those same things while pregnant with #2. They're only 14.5 months apart and the closer his due date got, the more guilty I felt about cheating Gavin.. leaving him and bringing home another baby..

    And when you talked about not remembering your pregnant!? I was SO guilty of that too. I'd forget how far along I was and then when people would ask, "when are you due?" more times than not I'd look at them confused and say, "due with....???" Hahaha!

    I know that you know this, but having two is CRAZY but in an amazing you wouldn't change it for anything kind of way.

    I can't wait to hear what you're having! Good luck tomorrow, I will be thinking of you! :)

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  4. I know exactly how you are feeling Tara, and I think that poem puts how I was feeling exactly into perspective. I couldn't fathom loving another like I had Q for so many years! After, thinking that I would feel guilty like "how could I possibly think like that" Once she got here my life changed once again, and those words were exactly right I loved them both, just in different ways! Siblings and sibling love are the best! You are an amazing Mom and person, Kennedy and the new addition are so lucky to have you and will be grateful someday that you gave them each other :)

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  6. sorry, I posted twice by accident ;)

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shucks, thanks the comment!
i looove hearing from you!
-tara :)

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