Saturday, October 15, 2011

pregnancy loss

So I am writing this from a hospital bed.
Yeah I got admitted for not holding anything down for over 48 hours, so they pumped me up with meds & IV.
Blah.
But I really wanted to get this post in.
Today is National Infant & Pregnancy Loss Remembrance Day
As most of you know I have lost two angel babies
I  think about them each & everyday
I will never understand the common why me?
The doctors tell me my problem which they have no name for that my body just rejects pregnancies
& is constantly trying to get rid of them.

I am so lucky to have my "rainbow" baby & be able to carry to term
as so many have not.
pregnancy loss is such a taboo subject
No one knows what to say or seems to say always say the wrong thing
i.e."there was probally something wrong, it was probally for the best"
Just my openness about my miscarriages since becoming pregnant with Kennedy has opened up SO many conversations with my peers. I get messages of women that have silently going thru one, or have just gone thru one for just a ear to listen.
& with that I am grateful.

But today I want to remember my babies.
although their time with me was short, they will forever be in my heart.

I remember like it was yesterday 2 years ago sitting in my hospital bed, as I am now hooked to all sorts of stuff. I was less than 100 pounds & the dr came in & told me my body was completely shutting down. It had nothing left to give to me, let alone my baby. He talked about the abortion, he is not a advocate but he told me I was going to die & I wasn't far enough along for the baby to survive & it was like a bullet. It was out.of.the.question.Like in this post; I had just gotten used to the fact that i was pregnant & I was starting to love this little bitty inside of me. & then days later it was all gone, I remember coming out of my D&C & feeling so empty. & wondering how I could feel that way instantly.

I struggled each & everyday with my thoughts of non-happiness & months later I got another positive pregnancy test, then 2 days later I started bleeding. Brandon rushed me to the ER we did an ultrasound & got my beta. I was to return in 48hrs to get another so I did. I remember trying to get my results wasa nightmare until I walked into the main hospital receptionist desk & demanded them. I got the paper. & walked out. I started opening it slow, but fast if that makes sense & I read it. 7. I dropped to my knees in the middle of the parking lot & just sobbed as people walked around me. I was miscarrying again laying in bed bawling, curled in a ball of pain of the most painful cramps I have experienced, I knew for sure that God was angry with me for my thoughts. I have worked thru most of them now.Finding bit of gratefulness in my journey into becoming a mother. Like said messages & thankfulness that comes with little things that "most" mothers may be less Patience with.

Brandon always says how he just wants to forget. I know that I can't. Even if they were only with me for 12 & 6 weeks I will always remember them. & always take extra time to remember them on this day.

Dear Lord,
I would have loved to have held my babies on my lap and tell them about you, but since I didn't get the chance, would you please hold them on your lap and tell them about me? 

4 comments:

  1. beautiful post mama. i'm sure your angel babies are watching over you, k, and your little one.

    hope you are holding up and get better soon. thinking about ya.

    ReplyDelete
  2. wow, such a sweet post. you truly do have a miracle, don't you :)

    i'm really glad i happened onto this little piece of happiness (your blog) for some reason i'm not following very many inspirational ones and i think yours is just that.

    thank you for sharing and kudos for staying strong (let's be real. MORE than kudos, lady!)

    much "blog reader love" (haha), kandice

    ReplyDelete
  3. You really are an inspiration to me, I have PCOS and we have only just begun our journey - you have given me hope to stay positive.
    Thank you,

    ReplyDelete
  4. This is such a strong, beautiful, heartfelt post. We also had two miscarriages, at 14 weeks and 6 weeks. We take time to remember them every once in awhile together, particularly our 14 week angel.
    You're so strong.

    ReplyDelete

shucks, thanks the comment!
i looove hearing from you!
-tara :)

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