Friday, July 15, 2011

balance. {a rant}

I am struggling ya'll.
badly.
I am burning myself out on both ends.
I want to be the best momma.
I want to be the wife.
I want to have the best home.
I want to be the best photographer.

& I just can't seem to find the balance.
I am seriously editing for my photography business 24/7.
Seriously every time Bug is occupied or napping, I am on PS.
But wait, what about the dishes, dinner, laundry; yup I have to be doing that too.
on top of that I babysit 2 days a week, with on.the.go.into.everything one year old.
2 days a week no big deal right? well right now I have my 4-year old niece that just went thru her parents going thru a divorce & is acting out. everyday. & spending the night most of those nights.

I know what you thinking since some biznatch left the a mean comment on my facebook 
"& you want more than one kid, HA"
honestly I love the chaos
the toys at my feet, the go-go-go-ness, the coloring then playdoh 5 second later
but they aren't my kids & I still want to give them %100.

I have THREE dogs also to take care of.
& I feel like I am failing.
I mean this is what I have wanted to be my whole life.
& i feel like I am failing.

First off, Kennedy teething; I know I have said this before.
But that was nothing my baby SCREAMS & I am mean SCREAMS blood curdling sobs
I really don't like giving her tylenol so I try to space it out as much as I can & during that time it is awful.
Tablets were apparently recalled & ora-jel? just started working today which has been GREAT. before she would just scream louder!
On top of that she started this pinching thing, & it hurts. BAD. my face has marks all over it.

My neighbor called her a "brat" yeah dont get me started.
I know she is just hurting & the pinching is her learning

sidenote: yes I did punch her out ;)
the neighbor not kennedy 

The other day I took 5 hours to clean out the garage, the hubs has been complaining about getting it done.
It was hot those 5 hours & i worked my butt off!
He comes home, Kennedy screaming after awhile goes "the garage looks nice."
ARE YOU EFFIN KIDDING ME?
no thanks babe. no wow that garage looks awesome. no holy shiz my niz cleaned your ace off.
just a "garage looks nice"
& he got mad at me for asking "just nice?"

I feel like I can't win.
I can't help kennedy with her pain.
& can I just briefly touch on I hate the trying to walk phase.
She falls all the time, & I hate it.
I feel like a awful momma everytime she falls. But I can't catch her everytime.

Without even going into to much detail do see what I mean?

I just need a bit of confidence I guess, Brandon to tell me "hey, your a great mom; thanks for all you do."
But he is a man.

I just need to find the balance between everything.
I just want to be the best for my family.
I am beginning to think I can't.


2 comments:

  1. Oh girl! I can only imagine! It is so hard to just keep Rylin happy and keep the house clean so I can't even imagine how hard it is for you to have to add baby sitting and photo editing to your work load! I wish I had some advise! I do know how you feel about the falling down thing. Ry is pulling up on everything and falling down a lot. As far as teething we use baby advil at night and humphreys teething strips during the day. I heard baby orajel was being recalled because it was numbing babies throats and cause them breathing problems! I hope things get easier for you!!

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  2. I'm slowly learning everyone struggles with this samething.
    It's hard. I can't imagine adding more kids to the mix and a job--I can hardly handle my one and my house. It looks like a tornado hits it before I get it perfectly clean only to have it looking horrible the next day. There are some weeks I think I'm doing awesome and getting the hang of things & then the next something is completely negleted & I'm back to the same spot I was.
    Hope things get better--soon!! :)

    ReplyDelete

shucks, thanks the comment!
i looove hearing from you!
-tara :)

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