Thursday, June 23, 2011

honesty.

can we just take a second.
for me to get some things of my chest
August is vastly approaching
what does this mean?
August is the cut off month, that the dr recommended we no longer try
my chances of birth at 14-24 weeks rises significantly
im trying to stay positive, as I have said over & over
my months are all blurred together by a few 4 days a month.
AF, the 16th {kennedy turning a month older}, when I ovulate & testing
I know this is the only first cycle with Clomid
but I don't feel like it worked. 
no I know it didn't.
Im discouraged
I am sad
& with each pregnancy around me
I grow more angry.

I feel defeated.
my body has once again let me down.
I know I have Kennedy
& I thank God for that each & everyday.everyday.
but that longing.
will it ever go away?
will I feel like a failure, empty forever?
I can't take another negative. 
I can't. 
The amount of tension in my house during the 2ww is unreal.
I hate it.
Some people try for 10+  years
&
As I still here with my view obstructed by tears pouring down my cheeks
I realize
I can't do this.
Infertility wins.
You win.

5 comments:

  1. Kathleen GallowayJune 24, 2011 at 12:23 AM

    This entry just made me cry. I read your blog daily but dont usually comment. This time. I HAVE to. Dont be so hard on your self Tara you are an amazing Momma. Good things WILL happen. Something beautiful is about to come from this ugly pain you are feeling. I know it!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I know your pain and I haven't even started clomid yet. And the questioning if we will be able to hold a child of our own echoes in my mind every day. My heart cries out for my losses, and for all the other women that have to walk down this road of infertility and loss. I think it doesn't matter the length of time, time effects women differently. We are coming up on a year of trying quite quickly, and I cannot imagine another year, let alone another 9 years.

    Don't feel guilty or selfish for wanting another child, God knows the desires of your heart. Yet he knows what is best, maybe he will be looking to grow your family in other ways, or maybe you will see 2 pink lines sooner than you think. Or maybe he will give you peace. Don't you hate the waiting and not knowing, I know I sure do.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Never say never and don't give up!!!

    I know how easy it is to give in to those bad thoughts and I have been there and bounced back!! Hang in there!!

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  4. {hugs} I dont' know how people try for years upon years, I don't think I have the strength to do it, either. Sending my thoughts your way. I'm sorry your feeling such defeat.

    It has been 14 months that my husband and I have been trying. All of our tests have come back normal and clear.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Aw honey, I'm so sorry. Personally, I would disregard what the doctor said and try for as long as you want {and can emotionally handle}. I'll send a prayer your way tonight.
    I don't know why, but I really have faith that someday you'll get another miracle baby. You are just such a wonderful, loving mother. God will grace you with another. I know it.

    ReplyDelete

shucks, thanks the comment!
i looove hearing from you!
-tara :)

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